everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
