A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
