hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
