Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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