i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize