i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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