i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
