Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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