I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
