even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
