I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
