the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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