i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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