arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
