Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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