oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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