i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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