I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
