ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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