Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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