Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
