Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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