I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I supernannyed him into submission
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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