Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
