could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize