could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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