Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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