If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
