I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
