I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
