I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This house was built for laser tag.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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