Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
