either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
