proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
