If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Drunk is not a location!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
