Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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