I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
