I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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