New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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