I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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