Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
