she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
