I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
