I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
