Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
