Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You need a sexual gate keeper
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
