Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
