Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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