Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
