If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
