It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
