Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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