You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
