the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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