matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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