I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize