Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
