i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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