Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
