I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
